Author: helica

broken

broken

 

So excited to join in the #FMF party again!!! It’s been a while, and I was missing not only reading other contributions but adding mine to the mix. So, maybe next week I can read what you have to say?? Join! It’s fun 🙂

broken

START

It’s funny in life how so many things seem like pieces, but then you turn around one day and it’s all one whole.

I feel like every day I am meeting myself for the first time. And sometimes it’s awkward, like a first date. Take about thirty minutes ago for an example. I’m sitting at a table surrounded by other yopros (young professionals), making encouraging cards for teachers, and what do I do? Get up and leave the group. Yeah! Seriously, lol. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but the chit chat and non-stop comment were driving me INSANE. In that moment I felt like a bonafide eighty year old introvert. But it’s what I find out about myself every day that makes this journey so fun! Apparently, if I’m working on a project with a time limit and I want to really focus, my own table and space is necessary. I even like to “talk” about things before I put pen to paper. #onesidedconversations

So about things being broken, I am much more in love with that idea than I ever thought possible. I grew up in a legalistic church and had no idea how much of that I had soaked up in my perfectionistic loving self. As an adult though, going through a divorce, being a single mom, and seeing life literally become chaos before my eyes, that whole perfect thing hasn’t worked out. In fact, I find myself running from perfection more and more. So glad!!!

I love that God takes all things broken and transforms them into beauty!

STOP

confuddled moments

I have always felt just a little bit better after reading a book or writing a thought down. I feel more settled, less stressed, and way more focused.

Then life steps in. Again. The projects and lists and guilt and forgotten dreams. There they all are, as if somehow by sitting too long, I clear the way to see to the back closet of my mind. And I know that I can be busy to avoid them. I’ve read that chapter, analyzed it, talked about it, and still, there it is. Tiny passageways each leading off of the main corridor from my heart.

Like tonight. Watching a movie. It all came back to me in a split second. Staring into his eyes over his sister’s head, laughing with her as we stepped onto the stage at summer camp. Seeing him in the audience, our eyes locked, and I knew in that moment that he loved me. It shines a light in my heart even so many years later. And that feeling.  Oh gosh, that feeling of euphoria, the bright moon, crisp air, and the HOPE – that one day all things would be right, that we would end up together, that our kids would come to this very camp with their dreams and their youth. And it’s funny to me how in some random moment, my heart beats exactly the same as that day so very long ago. It beats to the rhythm of that life that is long gone, the dreams that will never be, and it mourns anew.

The same heart that longs for more and dreams up gigantic propositions and crazy notions of a business all my own, that very same one sits in quiet sadness over the ache of a lost love, a lifetime of youth now long gone, and it beats on alone. 

Now that’s a word I don’t use to describe myself. Alone. Technically I’m not, but when it comes to this endless responsibility of parenting, my heart drops. I have this feeling that even with all of the organizing, designing, and ceaseless speaking – I’m not even sure that I’ll be satisfied whatever the outcome may be.

 

And that’s where I am right now. Moving like a bulldozer towards some illusive self-made goal while mourning and rejoicing over everything else. Confuddled. Saying goodbye to my precious baby girl, agonizing over the decisions I’ve made, wanting more time and yet excited for what’s in store. I always say that the funny thing about me is that I initiate so much change yet really just long for none of it.

And tonight I let the thought cross my mind that there may never come a time when I love again or that I am loved. It’s a truth I acknowledge. And I have to be ok with that. I am ok with that, in fact, because I know that I was once loved. Loved with poetry, songs, letters, and a thousand moments. He may not be mine now, but I am forever indebted to him.

 

So here’s to the memories that I have yet to make and the ones I hold dear to my heart.

 

le sigh

http://bensonkua.wordpress.com/tag/faces/
*Photo courtesy of *Mort the Worry Wart via this blog

I have backed myself into a corner, yet again.

Overbooked.

Over thought.

Over worried.

 

Then I sat back and realized how silly are my worries.Completely, utterly, and alarmingly time consuming, crash inducing, and motivation killing is what they are.

Now that they are dead (evil cackle), I am determined not to befriend one anew.

Take this blog, for instance.

I started writing and felt an insane amount of happiness, but then … du du duuuuuh, I started worrying. Am I supposed to be creating tutorials, sharing crazy amounts of pictures from my everyday life, and keeping readers interested with a consistent outpouring of witty writings and thoughtful thoughts???

Dead in the water. 

Not one post since that fateful day of overwhelming worriedness. Not one.

So is that why I am doing this? That’s what I had to ask myself. If I don’t tutorialize on the daily or weekly, maybe that’s not my thing. If I’m not attempting to capture every life moment with a pic, then it would be a lie to try. Maybe, just maybe, I created this blog as a creative outlet. Just words, with an image or two thrown in. My little space on the internet to get cozy and chat with whomever might be reading this, if anybody. And if it’s sent out to the void and never read, I will still be happy having shared. Period.

Not worrying about readers, followers, or naysayers is one of the best feelings e.v.e.r 🙂

I recently read a post by a friend of mine titled “Is blogging really worth it?” I didn’t comment there, worry and I were still REALLY CLOSE, and I chickened out. A comment people! That was the freakishly high amount of self-distrust that I was having. So, anyways, it did get me thinking on what I had already been thinking on – namely the above stated doubts. That’s when I had to sit and ponder the existence and purpose of blogs. Mine in particular.

So, there you have it.

I will write.

That’s it.

Sometimes it will be about my fledgling business, sometimes maybe just a couple of words about the craziness that is parenting a la solo me, and maybe, occasionally I’ll feel like sharing some pics, recipes, or other tidbits of inspiration. Whatevs 🙂

Like I always say … BECAUSE I CAN.

I wish you the most worry free day of your life!

*h*