Here I am world! Never thought I would look forward to having my picture taken or even be remotely inspired to share it with the world, but there you have it. And I LOVE it! Lexi (here here!) is such a calm and caring person to work with, and she totally made me feel at ease with a giant camera inches from my face. I felt like I could do anything and never have single bad shot, which of course is my idealized version, but I’m happy to report that I never did have to see those gawky half open, teeth baring smile moments. So that definitely makes for a happier me. It was a sunrise shoot, and the morning air had a fragrance as beautiful as my dreams. We walked along a small ravine of sorts, a wash would probably be more accurate, and when we hit the flat ground I was in such a peaceful space. There’s something about early morning, the perspective of newness and possibility, where dreams are allowed to breathe and test their wings. I honestly have not had a morning so full of promise since my youthful days of rising at dawn to meet up with friends for a morning run at the park. What glorious times we had! And it was in the stillness of the morning air that I realized what I’ve been missing by not taking in these quiet moments.
I am by nature a night owl, but there’s something about waking up refreshed and not groggy. Honestly speaking, my night owl tendencies don’t really lead to productivity, just a general wasting of time. I do dream and ponder, but it isn’t with a clear mind, so inspiration tends to become another unfulfilled project, the weight of its unfinished/un-begun presence mocking the dreams I started off with. With all that said, I am convinced that if I used my time a little more wisely (read: sleeping v. pinterest) greater plans and finished projects would make an even happier me. I guess I just assumed that being a single mom meant you started the day tired and ended it avoiding the next day’s tasks. Even typing it sounds depressing. But I’m not going to do or think that anymore.
So take a look at this smile and know that behind it is a heart that’s learning to beat a happy tune … again <3
Is it good or bad? Welcome or rejected? It really doesn’t matter because it’s happening every moment of every day, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it! Well, then I guess I better … embrace it? How can you embrace that which you do not know?
Today was supposed to be a day of business, followed by a relaxing movie night filled with laughter and plenty of popcorn. Needless to say, that did not happen. I started off strong, but then something happened. The plan changed. The shoot was rescheduled, to be exact. So there I sat next to a mountain of work that was just about finished, and my only prospect was that of taking it down and putting every piece of it away. Eeeek! Change can be a killer for a list person such as myself. I don’t get to finish the list? Check off the last box? What?!!!
With a little encouragement from my mother, I slowly broke that mountain apart into bite size pieces. I also rested and chatted in between and considered what it means to be “flexible”. Now that is something I have never been been accused of being. I remember watching my third grade friends do somersaults and cartwheels and thinking how I couldn’t even understand the concept! Funny how even though my life has changed so drastically, I still feel like a confounded third grader most days. I watch others take life and whirl it around, skipping past what I considered to be unsurmountable obstacles, and I don’t get it. How? How?
So my goal this week is to make a list with as few items as possible, and live the moment with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. After-all, tomorrow is going to be a whole different animal 🙂
Have you ever felt like you knew what you wanted, but just to make sure, you get the opinion of – oh, say 20 different people – to validate what you knew all along to be true? I have done this practically my whole life! And I remember a couple of years ago, one of my best friends confronted me with this statement – “If you already know what you want and know you are going to do it anyway, why are you asking me?” Hmmmm. She might just have something there, I thought.
While I know at times we are wise to ask and seek advice on some life decisions, most of the time what we are really doing is admitting our lack of self confidence. I finish a drawing, take a step back, my heart finds delight, and then … I run over to see if it really is awesome by having someone else acknowledge it. Say what?! My heart was happy, and I was satisfied. End of story. And in the case of starting my own business, hemming and hawing before the gigantic task it seemed to amount to, there I was again asking someone’s opinion. I knew what I wanted. I knew I could do it. I had the dream, the talent, and the guts. So what was I waiting for? Validation?
Then one day I decided to believe this small truth. I am an expert … on me. I can speak on that with confidence. And I like the work that I do, and I can speak of that with confidence. So, I made things official. I bought a domain. Then a hosting plan. I clicked through endless options, found myself drowning in internet speak and fizzelewhit nonsense, so I took a break and a breather and came back. I may not be the most technologically gifted person on the planet, but I don’t have to be. And today I doubly made it official and applied for my LLC. Whoaaaah. Deep breath. I may not be the best illustrator, writer, painter, crafter, organizer, or party planner out there. But the great news is this. I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE BEST. I just have to do my best. Officially 🙂
And that’s what I aim to do. Besides, I can be the best me that ever existed, which has the completely underestimated advantage of meaning that I get to compete with myself. Oh man. I’m liking where this is going!