Category: #FMF

lonely

Welcome welcome!

If you are a first time reader (or, hopefully, not so new), Fridays are for letting the air slowly out of my lungs and taking five minutes to think on one word. One word has an amazing amount of power. That must be why the hashtag #oneword is so prevalent on Twitter, right? That word can make you feel something, take your heart and mind to memories long forgotten, or remind you of your present. Happy or not.

Last week, I guess I was in denial about my level of tired-ness because I accidentally linked up to an OLD #FMFParty! Say what? I know, so unlike me. *cough, cough* Needless to say, I’ve double checked this week’s link, ha!

Time to let the ideas start flowing and get these fingers a’typing.ย 

keep-tv-on-at-night-greater-risk-depression

LONELY

GO

Do you know how many times I’ve WANTED to be lonely? Like desperate to just find myself ALONE. And it’s funny really, because technically I don’t think I like it, but with a little one’s constant needs to attend to, it sounded like a luxury to me. Loneliness was so far and yet at my fingertips. Constantly being on call, yet not having that pair of helping hands or someone to talk to. Talking to my mom and friends only took me so far. I was, and am at times, lonely.

We just went to meet the teacher. The KINDERGARTEN teacher. Ah. And it hits me. I will BE lonely. And now all of a sudden I don’t want to be. Ha.

I don’t know what lonely looks like to you, but it reminds me of the times I’ve watched a movie more than 10 times. (Yes, this is not an exaggeration.) When I was “separated” but still married, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands (wonder why?? Ha!). I would pop in a movie and these actors, whose back stories I listened to and Director’s cuts and commentaries I listened to, well, they were my friends. I would identify with some of their style, their wardrobe, or whatever. I couldn’t even recognize the loneliness I was feeling. Wasn’t everyone going through this? Doesn’t everyone watch movies to fall asleep?

So, in short, because the timer is ticking down faster than I can coherently speak, I am facing this loneliness head on. I’ll even embrace it because at the end of the day I get to see my sweet E ๐Ÿ™‚

STOP

 

broken

broken

 

So excited to join in the #FMF party again!!! It’s been a while, and I was missing not only reading other contributions but adding mine to the mix. So, maybe next week I can read what you have to say?? Join! It’s fun ๐Ÿ™‚

broken

START

It’s funny in life how so many things seem like pieces, but then you turn around one day and it’s all one whole.

I feel like every day I am meeting myself for the first time. And sometimes it’s awkward, like a first date. Take about thirty minutes ago for an example. I’m sitting at a table surrounded by other yopros (young professionals), making encouraging cards for teachers, and what do I do? Get up and leave the group. Yeah! Seriously, lol. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but the chit chat and non-stop comment were driving me INSANE. In that moment I felt like a bonafide eighty year old introvert. But it’s what I find out about myself every day that makes this journey so fun! Apparently, if I’m working on a project with a time limit and I want to really focus, my own table and space is necessary. I even like to “talk” about things before I put pen to paper. #onesidedconversations

So about things being broken, I am much more in love with that idea than I ever thought possible. I grew up in a legalistic church and had no idea how much of that I had soaked up in my perfectionistic loving self. As an adult though, going through a divorce, being a single mom, and seeing life literally become chaos before my eyes, that whole perfect thing hasn’t worked out. In fact, I find myself running from perfection more and more. So glad!!!

I love that God takes all things broken and transforms them into beauty!

STOP

rhythm and memories #fmfparty

coffee

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves โ€“ Carl Jung.

I’m sitting in a coffee house. On a Friday. With my laptop, a book, and no one needs me. Sounds like it’s time for the #FMFParty to begin ๐Ÿ™‚

RHYTHM

Startย 

My life’s rhythm has changed once again. No longer filled with steady beats, but more staccato and high pitched melodies. She sings behind, in front, around me, and sometimes it’s lovely and sometime’s it’s not. I have less demands and more. I help less and instruct more. Most days our rhythm is mellow, frantic beats if something needs to get done, then smooth melodies at the end of the day.

I love this crazy life I’ve chosen. I love it. I was reminded today by my mother, ever so wise, to not find my value in the monetary amount I make per hour but to remind myself that this less than perfect option allows me to live the life I want.

I want to be around her, though sometimes she drives me crazy. I want to see all of the little details that she does. Appreciate the noises she makes and hears. “Listen! Look! Mooooooom!” Yes. This rhythm and melody, I have chosen.

And it’s going to change again soon. No more sitting and working with the constant chatter of gibberish and wild stories about abamdaloons with hizawhatnots. It’ll be homework and bedtime and weekends. So, as I fight to find the beauty in the chaos, I am reminded that the rhythm we have is everything I’ve always wanted. It’s everything I need it to be. And it’s going to be the best part of my memories.ย 

Stop