So yeah. I had a strange day today, and really it was all due to the fact that my reality has shifted so quickly, partly on my doing and mostly unexpectedly.
On Wednesday I was notified that I would no longer have my position after Friday. Coincidentally, I was on my way to pick up my LLC paperwork, which had just been approved. Hmmm. I then proceeded to open a business banking account, which incidentally used up the last 100 dollars I have to my name. Double hmmn. So could it be that I will be one of those New York Times best selling authors that pens an inspirational tale of success about starting from nothing, la dee do la de dah? Or am I just a penniless single mom? Ha. Here’s hoping that my future is the former and strays far far far from the latter. Oh, and may it be FILLED with plenty of these 🙂
Here I am world! Never thought I would look forward to having my picture taken or even be remotely inspired to share it with the world, but there you have it. And I LOVE it! Lexi (here here!) is such a calm and caring person to work with, and she totally made me feel at ease with a giant camera inches from my face. I felt like I could do anything and never have single bad shot, which of course is my idealized version, but I’m happy to report that I never did have to see those gawky half open, teeth baring smile moments. So that definitely makes for a happier me. It was a sunrise shoot, and the morning air had a fragrance as beautiful as my dreams. We walked along a small ravine of sorts, a wash would probably be more accurate, and when we hit the flat ground I was in such a peaceful space. There’s something about early morning, the perspective of newness and possibility, where dreams are allowed to breathe and test their wings. I honestly have not had a morning so full of promise since my youthful days of rising at dawn to meet up with friends for a morning run at the park. What glorious times we had! And it was in the stillness of the morning air that I realized what I’ve been missing by not taking in these quiet moments.
I am by nature a night owl, but there’s something about waking up refreshed and not groggy. Honestly speaking, my night owl tendencies don’t really lead to productivity, just a general wasting of time. I do dream and ponder, but it isn’t with a clear mind, so inspiration tends to become another unfulfilled project, the weight of its unfinished/un-begun presence mocking the dreams I started off with. With all that said, I am convinced that if I used my time a little more wisely (read: sleeping v. pinterest) greater plans and finished projects would make an even happier me. I guess I just assumed that being a single mom meant you started the day tired and ended it avoiding the next day’s tasks. Even typing it sounds depressing. But I’m not going to do or think that anymore.
So take a look at this smile and know that behind it is a heart that’s learning to beat a happy tune … again <3
Have you ever felt like you knew what you wanted, but just to make sure, you get the opinion of – oh, say 20 different people – to validate what you knew all along to be true? I have done this practically my whole life! And I remember a couple of years ago, one of my best friends confronted me with this statement – “If you already know what you want and know you are going to do it anyway, why are you asking me?” Hmmmm. She might just have something there, I thought.
While I know at times we are wise to ask and seek advice on some life decisions, most of the time what we are really doing is admitting our lack of self confidence. I finish a drawing, take a step back, my heart finds delight, and then … I run over to see if it really is awesome by having someone else acknowledge it. Say what?! My heart was happy, and I was satisfied. End of story. And in the case of starting my own business, hemming and hawing before the gigantic task it seemed to amount to, there I was again asking someone’s opinion. I knew what I wanted. I knew I could do it. I had the dream, the talent, and the guts. So what was I waiting for? Validation?
Then one day I decided to believe this small truth. I am an expert … on me. I can speak on that with confidence. And I like the work that I do, and I can speak of that with confidence. So, I made things official. I bought a domain. Then a hosting plan. I clicked through endless options, found myself drowning in internet speak and fizzelewhit nonsense, so I took a break and a breather and came back. I may not be the most technologically gifted person on the planet, but I don’t have to be. And today I doubly made it official and applied for my LLC. Whoaaaah. Deep breath. I may not be the best illustrator, writer, painter, crafter, organizer, or party planner out there. But the great news is this. I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE BEST. I just have to do my best. Officially 🙂
And that’s what I aim to do. Besides, I can be the best me that ever existed, which has the completely underestimated advantage of meaning that I get to compete with myself. Oh man. I’m liking where this is going!