Tag: denial

lonely

Welcome welcome!

If you are a first time reader (or, hopefully, not so new), Fridays are for letting the air slowly out of my lungs and taking five minutes to think on one word. One word has an amazing amount of power. That must be why the hashtag #oneword is so prevalent on Twitter, right? That word can make you feel something, take your heart and mind to memories long forgotten, or remind you of your present. Happy or not.

Last week, I guess I was in denial about my level of tired-ness because I accidentally linked up to an OLD #FMFParty! Say what? I know, so unlike me. *cough, cough* Needless to say, I’ve double checked this week’s link, ha!

Time to let the ideas start flowing and get these fingers a’typing. 

keep-tv-on-at-night-greater-risk-depression

LONELY

GO

Do you know how many times I’ve WANTED to be lonely? Like desperate to just find myself ALONE. And it’s funny really, because technically I don’t think I like it, but with a little one’s constant needs to attend to, it sounded like a luxury to me. Loneliness was so far and yet at my fingertips. Constantly being on call, yet not having that pair of helping hands or someone to talk to. Talking to my mom and friends only took me so far. I was, and am at times, lonely.

We just went to meet the teacher. The KINDERGARTEN teacher. Ah. And it hits me. I will BE lonely. And now all of a sudden I don’t want to be. Ha.

I don’t know what lonely looks like to you, but it reminds me of the times I’ve watched a movie more than 10 times. (Yes, this is not an exaggeration.) When I was “separated” but still married, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands (wonder why?? Ha!). I would pop in a movie and these actors, whose back stories I listened to and Director’s cuts and commentaries I listened to, well, they were my friends. I would identify with some of their style, their wardrobe, or whatever. I couldn’t even recognize the loneliness I was feeling. Wasn’t everyone going through this? Doesn’t everyone watch movies to fall asleep?

So, in short, because the timer is ticking down faster than I can coherently speak, I am facing this loneliness head on. I’ll even embrace it because at the end of the day I get to see my sweet E 🙂

STOP