FMF stands for #FiveMinuteFriday
It was started by a woman, Lisa Jo-Baker, who is a word and story telling connoisseur. I am just amazed every time I read one of her posts because she takes the jumbled up emotions and chaotic scenes from my heart and just weaves it together with tears, laughter, and a joy soy profound … and all of a sudden I can see. I can SEE, BREATHE, and FEEL hope – and it is both real AND beautiful. This post about motherhood met me exactly where I was and this part – “I am out of my mind and in my calling and desperate for five minutes alone and a lifetime together.” – just captures all of the mother in me.
As a recovering perfectionist, I am especially thrilled to participate in FMF because she figured, why not take 5 minutes and see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing.
And this is me officially inviting you too! Come join a community ready to throw caution to the wind and embrace an imperfectly perfect post that shares a bit of your heart and soul. Hashtag it on Twitter and sit down with a good cup of coffee because the insights, stories, and moments we share are dear indeed!
Now on to the writing –
My view has become clouded. Tainted some may say. I guess in some ways I can see clearer than ever. The vision I have for my business, the products and goals, dance through my head and leave me so giddy with the thought of what is to come. But this everyday business of mothering E. Well, that’s view often looks exactly the same as the one I saw from the tip top of a roller coaster before descent. And during. It’s so many mixed emotions, the thrill before the lurching of my stomach. Everything is blurred together and I’m holding on. Some days I can’t see past the next five minutes, staring blindly at my phone hoping to escape a task. Others, I am watching her blossom into such a darling. I kind of hate my shifting view, but that’s like hating life. Life IS a shift, IT IS CHANGE. It is. And … I don’t like that, sometimes. Ok, most times. I feel like if I just had something to hold onto, I could start building a BETTER view. I could embellish the landscape with more projects, nail down more details, perrrrrfect it somehow. Ha! How true it is that we have to let go of how we think life is SUPPOSED to look. I can’t appreciate the view I have because I can’t even see it through the missteps, “issues”, to do list items, and dreams (broken and currently pursued alike).
BUT I WANT TO!!!
I want to see that moment when she belt out a laugh from her very core when someone tumbles or makes a joke. I want to see the beauty of her soul, the light in her eyes, that saucy smile letting me know that she knows something I don’t. And I DON’T WANT TO MISS IT. Not even one second. But I do. And that makes me sad.
So I’m going to have to do something about that. I’m going to have to have my hammer ready to smash every ideal picture (and the accompanying grief, shame, regret, and sense of loss that comes with it). I’ll keep smashing until I can see ever so clearly this dear soul that God has entrusted to me. Until not only can I see her, but she can SEE ME.